A Proper Conspiracy Theory

A proper conspiracy theory brings together rumours and myths and weaves them into an independent, yet believable, picture:

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbour, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all of the computers get together and distribute the .00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and ,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, the owner of Proctor & Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.


The Blue M&M Conspiracy!

One time, long ago M&M/Mars Co. was a brilliant American institution, run by democracy loving Americans. When reports that the Red in Red M&M'scaused cancer M&M/Mars knowing that they were hurting Americans quickly stopped production of the Red. This was a blow to society, Red was an American tradition, but unfortunately also a symbol of Communism. The fall of the Red M&M quickly became the top of the agenda in Moscow. Without Red the gradual corruption of the U.S. to Communism would be slowed due to the loss of the subliminal association of Red with a good sweet candy. You see the connection- Red M&M's are good so a Red government would also be good. But with the colapse of the Red M&M Moscow sent a crack KGB team over to the U.S. with the sole purpose of reinstating the Red M&M. This team worked on their goal for many long years, finally succeeding in attaining a majority on the board at M&M/Mars through a series of murders, bribery, cohersion, and scandelous pictures of board members with hairy Russian prostitutes. So Red was reintorduced with susposedly a new Red that would not cause cancer. This was a lie! The Red is the same as before, but Communists have never cared what happens to American citizens so long as their propaganda reaches us. With Red reintroduced it looked as if the Communists had won victory, but back in Moscow things were brewing, and behold Communism fell. But now their was a crisis at M&M/Mars, without their former leaders' guidance and support of the KGB what should they do now? The decision was tough, and after an intense internal power struggle involving the use of very bad Russian insults like "Your Mother never ate her turnips!" and "I bet your not as drunk as I am Boris." the victory went to the pro-democracy faction. These converted Russians decided that the would, like thier fellow brothers back in Moscow try Democracy. They created an election, were loyal American M&M eaters could vote on a new color. Sounds Democractic right? Sounds fair and good, but remember elections are what breed politicians. First off the election was rigged! Once a commie always a commie and communists always rig elections. They had only ever developed Blue as a new color, remember Russian scientists couldn't even get to the moon, how could they make up THREE new M&M colors. So after destroying the election results and proclaiming Blue the victor the Communists did what all good Communists do, eliminate the competition by "bumping off" Tan. That's right, they never told you, but a vote for Blue was a vote against Tan! They killed off Tan to make way for their Blue M&M's. So I ask you, as an American, to end the Communist control of M&M/Mars, mail back all your Blue and Red M&M's, let them know that we will not stand by while Tan is murdered. We won the cold war, now give us back our M&M's!!! That is all.



Mars Confectionery

A mars a day helps you work, rest and conform.

Yes, Mars Confectionery are a world government organisation, run by aliens, from, not so surprisingly, the planet Mars.

Is it a coincidence that the planet Mars was named after the famed God of war? No. Civilisations throughout time have known about Mars, and the aliens who inhabit it, since the dawn of time. Only in the last 50 years, have the aliens kept quiet about who is really in control of this planet.

The signs can been seen throughout history, and modern historians should have been more adept at picking up the clues which earlier ruined and raped civilisations have left us.

The final confrontation was World War II. Mars, the God of war, World War II, see the connection? Adolf Hitler WAS a marsian. Unfortunately everything went wrong, and due terminal cancer of the brain, Hitler decided to take over the world using the "brute force" method, a method not normally condoned by rationally thinking world dominating marsians. Fortunately for us, the rest of the world discovered the truth and managed to suppress the aliens, even though it took them six long years to do so.

Since then, the marsians have kept a low profile, and have infiltrated all the major governments on the planet, using the Mars Confectionery company as a cover. Little by little, Mars are infiltrating our minds, using plain chocolate and caramel confectionery bars to drug the populations of the world. Once the entire planet has been drugged, the aliens intend to switch on tiny mind manipulating biological transmitters, which have been embedded in the chocolate bars.

JFK discovered the truth, and due to a conflict between his addiction to sugar, and abstenance from Mars confectioneries, eventually died of anorexia. Yes, he was already dead, before November 22nd 1963. In fact, in FBI footage, smuggled out of Mars Confectioneries, it clearly shows Jackie Kennedy supporting JFK from behind, with a Mars bar in her hand.

Harold Holt also discovered the truth, and was eaten alive by a large underwater Mars bar monster, controlled by the Mars Confectionery aliens.

Princess Diana is an alien, as can be seen by news footage of her handing out Mars bars to starving children in Ethiopia.

It is time now to tell the truth.

Why are Mars bars the most popular confectionery? Because the drugs they contain, tell your subconscious that you need more, and more, and more...

Ever wondered why service stations (except the one near where I live, in Rozelle, which ran out last week) always have more Mars bars than any other confectionery?

Ever wondered why everyone knows Mars bars are American, yet nobody ever marches in the streets about U.S. infiltration of our culture through chocolate snacks? Our minds are being controlled.

Ever wondered about the face on Mars, the famous NASA photograph of a face, taken by the Viking Mars lander? It was an experiment by the marsians to find out the best design for a chocolate confectionery which can be inserted into a human's mouth. Unfortunately the marsians forgot to destroy the experiment after it was completed.

We must band together and smash the control state, smash the control machine, smash Mars confectionery, and send them back to the planet Mars from which they came.